What’s becoming really clear to me at the moment is that a really big part of moving forward as a human being is letting go. A couple of weeks ago I went to an early morning (well, not that early, 7.15) yoga class, leaving the man to get the kids ready for school and deliver them with all the important stuff in their bags like hats, water bottles and library books.
Now it’s not as though he hasn’t been around to help with the morning routine for a couple of months. It’s just that I am usually the one in charge and the last defence when it comes to checking that everything is sorted.
Just before I cycled off to yoga I couldn’t help myself making some little preparations. I got the lunch boxes out and carefully placed April’s reading book next to her diary on the table, making sure there was a pencil there ready for her to write with. I then crept into the bedroom where Dad was still dozing and casually mentioned what needed to be done with the diary, being careful to seem relaxed lest he detect any unease about leaving him in charge.
I loved my yoga class and having a break from the school morning palaver was sheer bliss! What really surprised me was the low level anxiety mixed in with a little bit of loss I felt about not being at home to make sure everything was done right.
My conscious self is ready to share the parenting more evenly with my partner but ten years of doing a lot of this day to day care of kids and home on my own has clearly had a deep affect on my psyche. It feels like I need to nurture myself through letting go of this strong role I have created for myself so I can become more balanced and more able to enjoy other aspects of my life.
My husband is going through his own process of letting go of his role of being the sole provider of the family income and adjusting to being more present in the domestic sphere. It all feels right and better for us as a family but we are certainly going through an adjustment phase as we find our feet in our new life.
Going to my second morning yoga class the following week was easier and who knows, one day I might even walk out the door without so much as a thought about where my daughter’s homework folder is.
It’s funny how it’s not until we make some changes in our lives that we realise how attached we are to our roles and habits. For me it all comes back to the idea that we are whole and perfect regardless of what we “do” in the world.
I’ve said it before and I offer you this chance to do it again with me.
Sit down right now and take a couple of deep breaths letting the exhalations out with a little sigh. Say lovingly to yourself, (out loud if you like):
Focus on your heart space.
This brings a smile to my lips and a feeling of peace to my heart.
How about you?
All is well.
Namaste ( I like the interpretation “The light in me sees the light in you”)