Since reminding myself two weeks ago here that happiness comes from within I have been thoroughly tested in attempting to live that wisdom.
Our daughter had a flu with a bad cough that developed into asthma, which meant she hardly went to school for the first two weeks of term. Then last week I caught the same bug and I’m still feeling pretty blah. There’s nothing like illness in the family to challenge my ability to live in total acceptance of what “is”.
I’m getting much better at going with the flow when one of the kids is sick but when it comes to me not being able to function as per usual, I am very far from Zen-like. For the first couple of days I am in complete denial, then I’m a martyr and refuse to rest properly. Then when I give in and rest, the guilt over letting others down and impatience to be better kick in. Phew! Am I mentally unstable or what?
Well it’s day six now and I’m still feeling rotten so after this I’m going to lie down.
Amid all this reluctant convalescence, I can feel a change coming over me. It’s like I have one foot through a doorway or a portal into a completely new way of being me and I can see glimpses of how it’s going to feel but I’m not there yet.
I believe illness serves a purpose and for me it feels like a whole lot of stored tension is coming to the surface to be released. Not comfortable but worthwhile all the same.
When I look back over the past few months, I can see more clearly how much change we have been through in a pretty short time. We made the decision to move down south in October, we put the house on the market in November and my husband resigned from his job. In December we sold the house and in January we moved. We have all left a community we felt connected to, the kids have left their school of four years and my husband and I have let go of the monthly salary we have been accustomed to for the past 16 years.
Many wise people are saying 2012 is a year for transformation. We are all being supported to get real about how we want to live and to let go of all the ways we limit ourselves and make our own lives unpleasant.
Life is unfolding for each of us exactly as it should. My husband is busily working on some projects as a consultant from home, the kids are settling happily into their new school and I am enjoying nature, seeing some new clients and gradually feeling my way forward into this new life.
I’ll keep you posted.
Much love and letting go,