Join me in the magical meditation tipi for a discussion on how to release your resistance to loving yourself – plus a short guided process to bring in greater self-love.
To be soft, yielding, gentle, quiet, accepting, open, innocent, trusting….
They’re not qualities we value so much these days.
Our culture seems to value their opposites – tough, strong, critical, resilient, decisive, assertive, cynical and street-wise. It’s the yin and yang, the feminine and masculine at their extremes.
Because of course we can be soft and strong, quiet and assertive, gentle and tough.
Yes indeed. Think of a rose – soft and delicate petals with tough leaves and strong, thorn-laden stems. Nature at its most wondrous.
I feel we’ve forgotten the value of softness.
Softness is love, warmth, praise, compassion, open-mindedness, trust, vulnerability, acceptance, appreciation…
Just think about it, when you’re with your family, is the mood one of softness or hardness? Could there be a softening? Would it feel better? Would it allow more love in?
When I’m quick to assert an opinion, make a judgement, defend myself or speak without really listening, I’m not adding a loving presence. I’m certainly not bonding more closely with the people I love. If anything, I’m holding them at a distance.
If I could just soften a little, slow things down, be more gentle and open:
Would people walk all over me?
Would I lose my way?
Would I be diminished in my effectiveness, my productivity?
Would I count for less?
The archetype of the soft and loving mother has become an anachronism. She disappeared out of fear and shame in the face of a masculine-oriented world. The gentler feminine qualities were subjected to ridicule and derision. It became an insult to be soft. Toughness and boldness became the goal.
The harshness of the world has taken this quality away from us, men and women both.
We’re hard on ourselves. We’re taught to compare and compete against others from a young age. We’re taught it’s a dog eat dog world – you’d better get the prize before your neighbour does.
Try harder, do better next time, don’t let yourself down, toughen up, keep going, don’t give up, don’t be so soft.
You got this!
I want to break it all down and let it go and not just because it doesn’t feel good….also because it doesn’t work.
I don’t do better when I strive harder, are more critical of myself or more uncompromising. It just makes me freeze up and feel panicked. I’ve always been sensitive to stress. When I was a student I had performance-stunting anxiety in exams, became mentally scattered and unfocused under deadline pressure and would end up ill after prolonged periods of emotional strain and busyness.
I do not thrive under pressure.
Does anyone really? I suspect we get addicted to the adrenaline rush and the ego-trip of being so busy we haven’t got time to scratch ourselves. I’m busy and stressed, therefore, I’m important.
Of course having some degree of structure and discipline is essential for getting things done but do we really need to harangue ourselves into feeling a slave to every task, overwhelmed and a failure?
So where does that leave us? I feel we’re starved of self-love and self-compassion. Danielle Laporte raises this point in her new book White Hot Truth…check out some excerpts here.
We’re all trying so hard to be too much to too many people and it hurts.
What if we just softened a little?
I’d love to hear your thoughts….
For sessions with me click here and give me a call to book your FREE 15 minute consultation.
Shame that’s hidden from view is still shame that holds us back.
Mainly from love – giving and receiving.
We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of right?
Cast your mind back to childhood and I’m sure you’ll find something – a lie, a theft, a blurted nasty comment, classroom cheating, betrayal of a friend….
Ringing any bells?
More than twenty years ago I betrayed the man I had made marriage vows with not much more than a year earlier.
I left him for someone else.
I knew then as I know now, it was for the best.
I still hated myself for the pain I caused. I wished it could have been different – sort of.
It was exactly what it was and maybe the only way it could have been after nine years of familiarity and habit.
It did it because I’d been thrown a lifeline and I wanted to live – gawd that sounds dramatic. I wasn’t in any physical danger. It was just that I felt like I was sinking.
It wasn’t his fault. We’d just created something that wasn’t very happy. The dynamic was all wrong and I suddenly saw it for what it had become; we were like brother and sister.
I wanted more and I felt trapped with what we were capable of. I began to harden up, toughen my outlook. I set my jaw and steeled my gaze.
I guess I thought I could manage it okay if I changed myself enough. I held my breath.
And then I saw him at the party. My husband was outside chatting with someone. I walked inside and there sitting with an empty chair beside him, was a person I’d always wondered about.
I sat down and before I knew it I’d said, “I still have feelings for you.”
“But you’re married”, he said. “I was at your wedding”, he said.
We both leaned forward, heads in our hands and smiled silly, hopeless sort of smiles.
Weeks went by and I told myself that was that. Nothing could happen.
Coincidentally, he worked at the university where I was studying. We met up a few times in the campus grounds after my lectures. Sat on hard benches and talked as the sun went down.
I persisted that it was pointless as I wasn’t about to leave my marriage. I said, I couldn’t bear to go through that.
He gently said, “You wouldn’t be sitting here talking to me if you were happy.”
Then a few weeks later he flew to England for a planned six month stay.
Just before he left, my husband worked out something was up.
One week later I moved out.
Life went on. I kept studying and working, friends chose camps, my parents were very supportive, I never saw my in-laws again.
It wasn’t easy but I had this little voice inside that I’d ignored years earlier when I was confused about love. It whispered; stay strong, keep going, this is temporary, you’re doing fine.
My new flame came home and we moved in together. Four years later we got married. You know the rest….kids, jobs, studies, homes, holidays, change, challenges, a move to the country and suddenly we’re middle-aged.
Up until last week I thought I was over this part of my story. I’d done the counselling, read the books, been healed by experts, become a healer myself, gotten it all straight in my mind and reached a level of peace about it.
But in truth I’m still holding it against myself. I’m still ashamed of what I did and only I can resolve that. And resolve it I will because what I’ve realised is that this shame is stopping me from having the quality and depth of love I want in my relationship with not only my husband but with all the important people in my life.
So how? This is what I feel:
All these old fragmented, hidden parts of ourselves don’t really need to be released or healed….they need to be integrated into the wondrous, complex and multi-faceted beings that we are.
We don’t need to continually make ourselves wrong or flawed or broken. We’re all the villain and the victim. We’re all innocent and all guilty. We are all deserving of love no matter what.
We think we’re aware right? We think we know ourselves and all our foibles pretty well by now. Yes?
Well I’m sorry to say this, and of course I’m speaking just for myself here 🙂 , but I feel many of us still have a long way to go before we can claim any sort of seniority in the AWARENESS stakes…
Find yourself complaining about certain people in your life?
Still have one or two family members that really know how to push your buttons?
Get so caught up in your reaction to what someone has said or done that you aren’t able to be the compassionate person you are deep down?
Welcome to humanity, I guess…AND also, we are making some progress aren’t we?
Well you know and I know that this month of December right here, right now, is THE month of the year for family get-togethers and family explosions (either silently muffled or loudly proclaimed). Bring it on I say.
What I find in my sessions with the gorgeous humans who come and sit with me each day, is that while we may understand we are always an active participant in any unhappy happenings between ourselves and others, it’s far easier to just want the other person to change.
True growth and freedom begins with the realisation that in some way or another, that person you are cursing and criticizing is actually being of service to you via their behaviour. And it’s often those we love the most and have most meaning to us that have the power to really tick us off.
What they are showing us is usually one of the following things:
Here’s a little exercise we can all do this holiday season to bring a greater sense of peace and calm to every interaction: Notice how you are feeling, acknowledge it and ask yourself this beautiful question posed by Neale Donald Walsch.
Coming from this perspective can only soothe us and return us to our gentle selves where we are more able to breathe, welcome the realities of others and bless them for their humanness.
Also, make time and space for yourself in the coming weeks to go outdoors alone, take a rest during the day or just doing any small or big thing that makes you feel nurtured and relaxed.
Being in nature is my best therapy, just look at this cute ball of fluffy baby bird I photographed just outside our home this morning. So sweet.
When all is said and done, just be yourself and let others be themselves and love will be the victor.
For some personal assistance with all of this relationship stuff, read about my session work here and feel free to phone or email me so we can get to know each other a little before your appointment.
Many blessings, Tricia
My husband and I have been together for a whopping twenty years this year and gosh it’s been a rich and varied ride.
When I cast my mind back to us as naive and fresh-faced twenty-five year-olds moving into our rented two-bedroom unit with no money in the bank and one decent car between us, I see two kids in love and bursting to tackle life head-on together.
I won’t bore you with a detailed history of our whole twenty years. Let’s just say there’s been lots of ups, plenty of downs but mostly regular, normal life just sort of chugging along. No complaints though because our ‘normal’ would be considered paradise on steroids for many people living in other lands.
Fast forward to now and we’ve got so much to be grateful for:
A very cool and relaxed lifestyle by the ocean in a very nice holiday town, two gorgeous kids both on the verge of teenager-dom, healthy bodies, great friends and loving families, work we both enjoy and financial comfort.
But how’s our relationship?
Because you know all those external trappings of success don’t guarantee nothing in this crazy world of ours.
I’ve heard first-hand about countless women just like me with, to the casual observer, everything to be happy about but for whom life feels inwardly miserable or desperately tedious.
And I guess to be honest, I came close to meeting that description around ten years ago when our kids were little. It never became extreme but I certainly reached a point where I felt dissatisfied with my life and my husband was apportioned a reasonable or should I say, ‘unreasonable’ amount of the blame.
When I look back now I see that we were both doing our best to fulfill the roles of parents to our young family and that this put a lot of pressure on our relationship: Hubby worked long hours and though I loved motherhood I also missed my paid work for its mental stimulation and sense of achievement. Before too long we’d drifted onto that favoured battle ground of many young parents. It’s called – “Who’s doing it tougher.”
These days our relationship is good. It’s good because it’s real and honest and mature. We love one another yes, we also enjoy one another’s company as friends and we support each other in pursuing our dreams and ambitions. We have wonderfully lively conversations together and he can still make me giggle.
And of course, we also have those times when things just don’t feel good, we’re tense around one another and everything is difficult. That’s normal right?
It’s complex. I mean raising children, earning a quid, looking after one’s own health, building good friendships, spending quality time together (without the kids) and having a sex life. There’s a lot going on there and that doesn’t include planning holidays, making big career changes, moving to new places and buying and selling homes, all of which we’ve done in the last three years.
So anyway, our relationship has gotten to this point of maturity and longevity for many reasons, but I think one key element has been that I worked out (at around that ten year mark), that I needed to get over the idea that he or anyone else – including my children – was put on this earth to make me happy.
I took full responsibility for making myself happy by doing things I loved each day and by cultivating a deeper and stronger feeling of love and acceptance for myself. It began with daily meditation and a weekly yoga class and was followed by lots and lots of journal writing, studies in kinesiology and flower essence therapy, some amazing self-help and spiritual books and some great healing sessions with some amazing women I met along the way.
My husband was of course right there by my side supporting me and I also had some wonderful friends and my Mum to talk things over with. But really it’s been up to me to choose between the many pathways to travel and to make the clear and simple choice each day to love myself a little more and put myself first in my life.
Once I realised that I didn’t need to wait for anyone else’s approval, because it was already there dwelling within me, I began blossoming in so many new ways.
The story continues…
If you feel you could benefit from some extra support to embark on your new path of loving and accepting yourself more, I’m available for telephone and Skype sessions to help you along the way. Just click here and then contact me for a chat. Much love, Tricia
Do you realise that in every moment of every day your amazing body is healing itself and your energy is doing the same with your energetic self?
And, here’s the piece I really want to share, whenever you are with another person or even thinking of them, you have the capacity to heal them too, simply by holding a feeling of love for them. We also do this for the land and the entire natural world including all the animals we encounter when we feel appreciation for them. Plus, this process is reciprocal, when you give, you receive.
Now this isn’t about effort, being a perfect example of loving energy, or being attached to curing or saving anyone. This is just what we naturally do as human beings and we need not be concerned about the outcome. But since we’re doing it anyway, why not acknowledge this beautiful power, and do it with clear and loving intentions.
It all begins with self-love and the understanding that we are all perfect just as we are. This is not about making things better because something is wrong. It’s about embracing all that is present in a more loving way so we elevate ourselves and everyone else into more comfortable and graceful lives.
Confused? Hmm, I’ll try saying it another way…
When my daughter was almost four, we discovered she had asthma. The diagnosis meant a hospital visit in the early hours of the morning and a worrisome twenty-four hours while the doctors brought her breathing capacity back to normal with regular Ventolin inhalations.
As this little episode coincided with my emergence into the world of natural therapies both in my work and in my approach to caring for the health of my children, I felt I could have a go at curing her with a combination of kinesiology, flower essences and a few other tricks I’d learned along the way.
Well apparently this was not to be, because seven years later, although her experience of asthma is now mild and occasional, my efforts to fix my little girl all up and make it go away did not succeed.
What I eventually concluded was that it was not my role to make this illness completely disappear for my daughter. I’m sure some of what I did from the intention of love, helped her recover from her bouts of sickness and reduced the severity of the episodes, but for whatever mysterious reason, she is somehow meant to experience this condition. End of story.
We serve ourselves and those we love best by being in complete acceptance and love regarding any situation we find ourselves or them in, and then simply loving into that reality. That’s it, that’s all and yes, we do make a difference when we can do this with minimal attachment to what happens next.
For me there was a lot of learning to be had around releasing my need to be the perfect mother, to have perfectly healthy children and to be able to cope gracefully with caring for a sometimes uncooperative small child while she needed to be at home from school to get better. Ahh, parenthood, the greatest teacher I’ve had.
On another note…
Thank you to those of you who signed up to my new webpage last week. If you did so and would prefer to receive just one email from me, feel free to unsubscribe from the WordPress email you’ve received.
For everyone else, if you are still interested in reading my articles and would also like to receive a bonus guided audio meditation from me to assist with healing your inner child, then please sign up below and you can listen straight away or bookmark the page for later.
Much love to you all,
Come on, play along with me here, use your imagination…
Ask yourself this:
What would it mean to me if I suddenly felt that there is nothing wrong with my life, with me, with anyone else or with the world?
Breathe it in. Just breathe in that imagined possibility. How does it make you feel?
Excited, relieved and joyous or, tense, worried and concerned about my sanity?
If you find it hard to even contemplate this, do not fear, you’ve got plenty of company. How do you think we all got to believe in this falsehood of duality in the first place? It’s because the majority of people across the developed world all think in much the same way. We pass judgement on all experiences (and people) as right or wrong, good or bad and for some reason, mainstream culture has placed a big emphasis on what’s wrong, rather than what’s right.
If you watch any news broadcast you’ll know what I mean.
So seriously, what if it’s our perspective that’s flawed, rather than our whole species?
Here’s where I’m heading with this: There’s this universal law of energy some people have described as the Law of Attraction. What it means for us in three dimensional, human reality is, what you focus on expands.
For the past few hundred years or so, we humans have been ever so slightly focused on making the self wrong, making the ‘other’ wrong and turning our attention to outward pursuits like work to distract ourselves from the pain of this separation from ourselves and one another.
What if, just what if we began right now, seeing and appreciating what’s right within all of us and letting go of our attachment to looking for what’s wrong?
Let’s try something, because like the little boy who shouted, “Look, the emperor has no clothes!”, I want to shout, “Look, everything is good and we are all okay!”
How about this:
Right now in this very moment of your life on this amazing planet of ours, what’s good?
Are you comfortable in your body? Now now, don’t go looking for a problem here, just notice that your body feels more good than bad right?
Yes? So now you can expand this notion out further into your life to see all that is good or at least reasonably acceptable in your life right now. Just this small action of feeling a little gratitude for what you have, who you are and who you’re with can lift your mood, open your heart and raise your chances of feeling happier in the next moment, then the next and so on…
It’s catching people! Find yourself talking about good stuff instead of bad, happy stories instead of depressing ones and you carry forth a new energy of having more trust in life. Life is good, mostly, for most of us.
When we feel this and begin living as though it were true, we lift the collective energy of the planet. So to help others, lighten up, see what is good and give up the habit of ‘wrong-making’ that has gotten us all so confused and upset.
For more tips on this approach to living, click here and then contact me for a chat if you’re thinking you’d like some healing and coaching.
Not so long ago I crossed the bridge from “Mainstream, Mind-focused Logical Land” and entered “Intuitive, Spirit-guided Magic-can-happen Land”. And guess what, my life is sooo much better.
My mission now is to lead as many willing adventurers as I can across the bridge to join me here in the land of infinite possibility, freedom and fun.
For some extra help or further explanation of any of these concepts contact me for a personal consultation in-person, over the phone or on Skype. Go to Book A Session With Tricia in my website for more details.
Be your intuitive and natural self and create a life more ‘you’. <3
Ok, are you ready?
So, close your eyes and just imagine for three or four seconds that we are all eternal beings of light. You know, infinite, never-ending energy.
Now this is where I’ll really stretch you, can you also imagine there is no such thing as time? No distinction between past, present and future. Go to your heart for this, leave the mind out of it.
When you put these two notions together; infinite light being + time does not exist, then how about this for an idea?
We are all everything!
We are all love, hate, disappointment, jubilation, sorrow, joy, grief, optimism, depression, success, failure, empathy, envy, are you getting the gist?
So when you think you’ve had it rough or you think you’re doing better than someone else, remind yourself of this and know that in this moment of now, you’ve seen it all, been it all and had it all.
When we are all able to feel this truth in our hearts, separation, judgement and violence will end. We will love ourselves and one another as precious, individual sparks of God energy.
I’m ready, are you?
Love us all
As members of the species on this planet that has created so much destruction of our mother earth and her inhabitants, we also have the power to help her heal…
There are many ways we can do this.
We don’t all need to be activists.
When you are in nature simply be present and allow yourself to feel love and wonder for all you see around you. That’s it.
Remember, what we give is what we receive. Also, your contribution matters.